I finally confronted the woman whom had haunted me all of these years and we spoke truthfully with each other. It was due and it was refreshing, though through her lips, she kept hesitating as if I was a delicate snowflake that apparently needed to be coddled. I certainly did not need it, though I appreciate that she was considerate even if it was probably mostly because she felt she needed it for her own benefit.
The details of my letter, which I read to her have now become irrelevant. The important thing is that two relative experiences were finally shared. Both pieces came together to form the truth and it was the exact truth I needed, since I was the one living with the perception of what the truth was for all of these years.
I have to say that when we had that conversation, and when she finally told me her position, her views, I was relieved. At the end, when we hung up, she didn’t sound the same pretentious, self-righteous, hypocrite that her rejection email was full of in 2014. I was actually worried that when I finished reading my letter to her, that she would fall back on telling me some cookie-cutter generic bullshit that shallow people would say to others. Alas, she did not and I was so happy that she was honest with me.
That’s my biggest thing: honesty. I just want my friends to be honest with me.
Unfortunately, last night, as I took a painkiller specifically designed to induce sleepiness, for the first hour, I had an intense sexual need and she popped up in my mind like crazy. There was a moment before I passed out that I wanted to call her or text her and tell her to let me do something with her. Alas, fortunately, I passed out and that was the end of that.
When I woke up, I had a numbed out period of sadness and loose emptiness. I reflected on everything she said to me, including the parts about not being physically attracted to me, but had an emotional connection. That made me a bit sad because it reminded me of all of the previous romantic and intimate partners, where I fit this. Which I asked myself, how this happens. At least for me, I need to have some form of physical attraction towards someone before I can engage in any form of intimacy. So if I find that person repulsive, ugly and anything along that wavelength, it would be hard for me to get attached to them emotionally, let alone sexually. When I say attached emotionally, I am not speaking about pure platonic friendship. So for the first time in my life, I am truly mind boggled about this.
Regardless, things were made clear as to what her intentions are and from now on, I know exactly what to expect. Of course, I have to admit that there is a smaller part of me that is somewhat disappointed.
For clarity sake, I am not disappointed of the outcome, as it was pretty much what I expected. Instead, I am disappointed that it has ended. At the very least, I had the illusion of reciprocated intimacy and while I struggled with that to no end, it was still something nice to think about every now and then. For me, the perceived experience was that she actually had some form of intimate feelings for me. The reality was that she was just venting off her libido in a way that massaged her ego. Yes, I am aware I was being used. It’s not rocket science you know? 😉
Anyway, while this doesn’t resolve my intense sexual feelings for her, it does definitely dampen the possibility for anything further to happen between us. I would like to believe that there is still a likely possibility that perhaps one day, she would actually want me, but I also know that this likeliness is overshadowed by the fact that there are just too many realistic variables that put me in a very far away place, out of reach, out of touch. Though before we hung up, she did ask me what I would do if she showed up at my door hypothetically and honestly, I did enjoy that sort of conversation with her, as I know it turns each of us on.
There is a love/hate variable here. I won’t talk about how much I love it, but the obvious hate of it is that I am constantly in this stream of desire I cannot get out of until we have at least slept together at least once. So it would be much better if she never speak to me about wanting me for sex ever again, especially when she already told me she isn’t physically attracted to me and that nothing else would become of us beyond friendship, but you see, I still want her. Ah the conundrum of having the capability to love more than one person.